I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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