You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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