Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
