I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I believe in your delicious
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Randomize
