There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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