omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
