Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
