I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Randomize