6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
