I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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