I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
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