I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
