you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
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