I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
My vagina just recognized that song.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
