Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
