I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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