why didn't you poke me back
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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