It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
