I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
