we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
