Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
