look no pants
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
She announced her abortion via fbk
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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