My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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