i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
