you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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