Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
