I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
