it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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