Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
