he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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