; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
