I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
