Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
