Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
