You're completely useless in the revolution.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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