You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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