The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
