Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
