Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
