the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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