I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Randomize
