I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
