It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
So squirting runs in the family.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
