They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
