your room smells of hookers.
And success
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Randomize
