i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
