I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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