Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
