its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
