he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
