maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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