My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
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