How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
