wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
