i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
