Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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