as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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