Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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