something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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