She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
