I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
How naked do you want me to be?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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