I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
